Your Responses Were Awesome
Thank you so much to everyone who messaged me the kind words that they did. It has genuinely been my pleasure to write this post and also shout out to everyone who sent me all the suggestions that helped them get over a break up. I was going to wait a bit before writing the second one but the response I got inspired me to get this to you guys ASAP. If you haven’t read the first part do check it out here. Read it or not just remember the one thing you should take away from all this is to embrace NO contact. Meaning you don’t text, call, voice mail, pigeon, fax or have any sort of communication with your ex. It is the only way you will get better. And so without further wait here is the second part. As before remember to take what works for you and throw out the rest.
A Cup Of Hot Cocoa
One of the key realizations of getting over someone is understanding that what you are looking for doesn’t exist in that person anymore. People tend to realize eventually one way or another. Think of the relationship at its best like it’s hot cocoa. Your mind craves that awesome feeling when you used to drink that hot cocoa and it was perfect. But now think of the relationship, post break up, as leaving that hot cocoa out in the cold for like a week. The milk has spoiled and it’s all cold and nasty. So what would you do? Drinking it you will realize that what you wanted from this drink doesn’t exist anymore right? So you would just throw it away and go find another hot drink that gives you that same feeling. What you want from this relationship doesn’t exist anymore. The person is cold and spoiled now like the milk.
A Copy Paste About Ammonia and Apples..
In the previous part of this article, I copied and pasted a paragraph from my article on soulmates. And honestly, I felt like the whole post should be copy pasted but I will refrain from looking like a total loser who steals his own content and paste another bit of that article so I look like a partial loser. Here it is:
“Now it has been years since I have taken chemistry but one of the things that fascinated me were chemical formulas. One of the formulas I remember was that of ammonia (no idea why) but from what I recall ammonia is: NH3. Meaning one atom of nitrogen and three of hydrogen. Lets say you are hydrogen and they are nitrogen. (Notice how I made them one of the most abundant elements on the planet..I just noticed this myself) Now you broke up with that nitrogen and now you’re just a H3 living in a H3 world. Is it not possible for you to find another nitrogen.. aka someone with the same characteristics as that nitrogen and bond with them? Of course it is. I am not saying it is that easy of course but it is entirely possible. We just need to stop buying this crap of one true love and just live. Meet new people and identify those that are incompatible and stop lying to ourselves that we are happy and move right on. Trust me this is a very bitter pill to swallow. How do I know? I just lost the person I thought was the love of my life to a stupid misunderstanding in February (yay for the new year). Realizing this has made the recovery process so much easier. Yes I still hurt and so will you if you lose someone really close but you don’t need to be trapped in this suffering for longer than needed. There’s a quote I can’t remember from where I heard it but it goes something like “If you are going through a bad time..then keep walking.
Now here is a typical statement I have noticed from time and time again. “My ex was special like no other”. I can never find anyone like her. This is the equivalent of saying the last apple you had was the best apple ever. Now this apple you had I have no doubt is great. But to call it the best?..you must be a fanatic of apples. You must be the Apple Whisperer. How many types of apples have you had? ALL of them? Gala, red delicious, pink, green, jazz?..thats all the apples I know.. but point is you seriously cannot say that someone is the best or really special until you have had a fair sample size. And by fair sample size I mean a fair percentage of men or women of your type. So just realize that though it may have been great..unless you’ve dated like 9000 people you really cannot say you will find nothing better.”
Travel And See The World
Now this might be hard for some of you but any sort of trip away from your normal life will work wonders on you. I personally am a full time student and also have my own business so a trip to Paris is out of the question. But what I did do that helped me was took a road trip to a nearby city on my day off. This city was 3 hours or so away and so I left in the morning, ate lunch there toured around, and honestly just looked at people (in a non creepy way of course). Strangers can give you a very interesting perspective on the insignificance of your own life. Understand that almost every one of those people you “see”, but don’t really see walking by you has had heart breaks, failures, rejections etc. Some perhaps much worse than you. But they have all endured and some of them have even found a better person to be with or are happier alone.
How The Mind Works
Understand that we are basically creatures of habits and repetition. Whatever you constantly focus on gets blazed into your neural pathways and becomes easier to fire the moment there is some sort of stimulus. In order to make this easier on yourself you need to pick up something that keeps you busy. It’s as simple as that but this new hobby you pick up needs to be challenging where you struggle and slowly see progress but don’t mind improving in, such as a language. This works best with other people involved that keep you not only motivated but company and so you don’t feel lonely. Just make sure it’s not your ex’s best friend or anyone that keeps constant tabs on your ex so you won’t be tempted to do something stupid. Picking up this new distraction will make your brain remember the neural pathway that remembers your ex become more and more unused until your brain finally just breaks it off and uses it for something more useful…like facts about the t-rex.
Happiness And You
This was a bit of a hard pill for me to swallow as I was very guilty of this one. Have you made your ex or that person the source of your happiness? If so, stop it. They are not responsible for your happiness any more than that squirrel watching you from the window. It’s all about the locus of control and you managed to give this person a lot of control over you. And this is not only bad for you but it’s not really for that person to be responsible for your happiness. That person cannot make you happy. Only you can make you happy. Accept it and own up to it. Happiness is not outside ourselves. Learn to be happy alone and become emotionally independent. This of course is easier said then done but it’s a powerful journey to take.
Hit The Gym
I surprisingly heard this one a lot. Understand that you will be at least partially blaming yourself regardless of whose fault the break up was. You will feel down and miserable and your body will suffer with you. Hitting the gym will help keep your mind refreshed, fight off those stress hormones, and also make you feel good about yourself that you took care of yourself.
Lean On People
Talk to people who love you unconditionally everyday for at least 15 minutes a day. This can be anyone from friends to family. It’s so very easy to take these people for granted and not really realize what you have. For me, it was my mom. Call this person up everyday and just talk to them about anything. You will realize how loved you are and how you were trying to experience this love and acceptance from the wrong place. Trust me this is vital for your recovery.
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
This is another good way to realize you will find another. Think of this person analytically. Write down all the pros and all the cons of this person and examine the pros closely. You will notice that more than likely at least one of those traits can be found in other people. And when you start to miss this person a lot, read the cons. Not to feel badly about them or hate them, but to give your mind a fair reminder of what was wrong. We tend to look through things with rose colored glasses and forget all the bad and remember the good only. This will help you step into reality a little. As for the ugly, notice what they might have said during the fights and break ups. Talk to other people and see how true this was. If they agree that this is something you need to fix or you genuinely felt this too, then perhaps start working on that so your next relation doesn’t crumble.
Joy And Sorrow 101
I am posting an excerpt from Khalil Gibbran’s book the prophet. Great book by the way its like $4. Definitely a good way to learn something and distract yourself. Not all that religious as the title might suggest. But anyway here is the excerpt:
Tl;dr / translation: Joy and Sorrow cannot really exist without each other. Understand that you cannot know the joy of an amazing relation without knowing the pain of heart break. It might seem unreal now but if you let time heal and do it’s work you will more than likely realize this yourself. Think of your life as a pendulum and when it was at the happiest you were at the top but like a pendulum you are merely facing your down time that does not mean there will be no rise in your situation.
Remember You Don’t NEED Anyone
You may feel like you do but that is simply not true. You need air, water, food, and funny cat videos. But you never need a person. As described above that you can always find someone else who is similar if not better than then this person. Respect their decision and know that what they think of you doesn’t correlate to your worth. You made mistakes but so did they. You accepted their mistakes but they didn’t accept yours. This is not to put them in a selfish light but instead to simply accept that they too have a right to choose who they talk to and don’t. And on this note, just because they talk to and date someone else this does not have any say in your own worth. You will probably go on a comparing spree with their new found date and that is not only useless but also going to be an uphill battle because you will be comparing your worst to their best. Just leave it be. Letting go is probably the best thing you can do at this point. This is why it’s best to not only distance yourself from the person, but also their friends. This way you cannot get any news of the person.
Some Days Are Better Than Others
There is no linear path to recovery. It is more of a cycle. Some days you’ll feel over them and some days you will be holding on by a thread and trying not to contact them. But with each passing day this wave like motion will slowly turn into indifference. Until one day you will realize you haven’t thought of this person in weeks or months. It’s a bit sad how it happens but that is life. Think of yourself as a captain of a ship sailing through life. Do you think you would be as strong and wise if you forever rested in the harbor? You are going through some stormy seas now and they are testing your mettle. Don’t make this any harder than it needs to be and don’t shoot yourself in the sails. You will make it… just give it time.
Try A Guided Meditation/ Hypnosis
There are tons of them on youtube for every topic you can imagine. I feel like they at worst keep your mind distracted but at best let you unlock some of the deeper issues and pain you are suppressing and deal with them. I was recommended Micheal Sealey he’s a very popular youtube guided meditation person. Here is the video I was told to try and it helped a lot actually. I just did this yesterday and so far I feel a lot lighter and peaceful.
To The Point Of Redundancy
I could go on and on about what you should do and what you shouldn’t but honestly all the advice I have seen tends to be some variation of those listed above and in the first part. All you need to do from this point on in my opinion is:
- Maintain no contact and block them off everything
- Keep yourself busy by picking up new hobbies or hone your old ones
- Keep perspective by traveling best you can and also looking at people and understanding they all probably have gone through this
- Read the stuff above and other articles daily and take what works for you and also learn from your mistakes
- Be Patient
That is honestly all there is to it at this point. I wish you well in your recovery and really do hope you find someone better in the future WHEN you are ready. Stay Strong.