Are You Nice?
One of the most loaded words in the english language is the word nice. We are taught since children to constantly be nice to others. Movies and TV shows have taught us that in the end the nice guy gets the girl after pursuing after her and being there for her. Children are deprived of true father figures because their dads have been turned into passive pleasing door mats. Harsh words? Well sit tight, cause if you are a nice guy, I am about to call out beliefs that you think are good but actually are not.
In A Time Far Far Away..Like 1900s Far
The creation of nice guys at the scale we have today is a very recent thing. Yea there have always been nice guys in the past but never has there been a near generation full of them. There are a lot of things that caused this rise (sounds ominous as hell doesn’t it?). The biggest factor was the industrial revolution. The growth of cities and dad’s working 8 – 12 hours a day in a factory caused them to be away from their sons. The time they would have on their day off they were honestly too tired to do anything. The caring of the son was handed to the mother and the father became more and more distant from his child’s life. Back in the day, sons would work along side their fathers, uncles, and cousins in farms. They always had male role models to look up to and understood how men should act as it was taught by other older men. But of course due to the industrial revolution that was no longer the case. We started to be raised more and more by women, even our teachers in school were mostly female. Combine that with the rise of the feminist and anti male movement, rising divorce rates, hollywood pop culture, lack of direction due to being distant from their dads and voila an entire generation of confused males was born. Oh and just on a side rant about hollywood movies. Who do you think wrote the script of that romantic movie? Was it the dashing and charming actor? Was it that one kid from high school all the girls loved? No. Just think about that. Who wrote the script? And what experience do they have with relationships? You are being sold a lie.
From One Nice Guy To Another
I was a nice guy at one point very recently. Still not 100% cured but definitely cured enough to see that what we have been taught is a lie. You see growing up I never had a true father figure to look towards. My dad was always away working and when he wasn’t it would still just be like he wasn’t home. Not really talking or even being in the same room as me. This is something which a lot of nice guys have in common. We are much more close to our mothers who was probably dealing with a lot of stress or unhappiness but did our best to raise us. We were told to always treat people especially women nicely. To be different from our dads or other males. Basically being taught how to be a man by someone who is not a man. Even the most well meaning mothers are not up for this task. So now you must go on this journey as I have to unlearn all those beliefs drilled into you.
Your New Mindset..Should You Choose To Accept It.
One of the key things we as nice guys do is put others EW, (EW = especially women abbreviated cause ill be using that a lot.)on a pedestal. We always want to put the desires and wants of others EW over our own. That might seem like a noble thing to do and it CAN be if you did not have an ulterior motive behind it. That motive is to get people to like you or do something for you. I’m not saying you’re a manipulative person…but I am also not saying you aren’t a manipulative person. Meaning that you probably do this unconsciously without even realizing its bad or you are even doing it. Imagine buying a house from someone at a very generously low price. But that person does not tell you that just because you agreed to it they expect you to invite them to dinner every Friday and also consult them before making any changes. You are clearly unaware and you go about your new life. That person grows increasingly bitter until they come over one day yell at you for being a horrible undeserving person and burn down your house. This kind of subtle contract is known as a covert contract. This name was given by the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, Robert Glover (more on him later). Basically a covert contract is something we as nice guys use to get something especially love and approval from a woman. The covert contract goes something like: I will be there for you and be your best friend but in return you have to love me and marry me. The woman is unaware of this and just assumes the nice guy is nice for the sake of it. So what is a guy to do? Put himself first?…well yea.. thats really it. Putting your own needs and wants over everyone isn’t selfish. It is what normal healthy people do. And you know what? You will find that people will actually help you meet those needs, all you gotta do is ask. And the best part is that when your needs and desires are the top priority whatever you give to others comes from the heart. So here is a challenge. For one week put yourself first (unless you have a baby who is crying at 3 am…i think your sleep can wait). It will seem weird and selfish but by the end of it you will find that you are not only happier but people actually for the most part don’t really even care.
Stop Hating Your Own Kind
One of the main trademarks of nice guys is that they usually tend to try and differentiate from other men. “I’m not like other guys.” Really? Join the club, neither was I. You probably make it very obvious to everyone, EW, how you think guys are jerks and apologize for your own gender and what not. How you will never be like them. But you are like other guys. And so am I. Trying to prove that you are not like other guys only makes distances you from your own masculinity. Instead, you should try and have more men in your life who can serve as role models and people you can grow together with. If you are married or living with a girlfriend, this is especially important as nice guys tend to revolve their lives around the woman in their life. Slowly but surely she will start to resent you for not having your own life and own set of friends to do things with. Join an all mens sports group or whatever you are into that has only men in that group. Find guys who you can look up to as well. This is really easy with the internet as you can get to know people without even meeting them. These people don’t have to even be alive. Just learn from their life what they acted like, believed in etc. Don’t try to copy that person like people try to copy James Bond. In the end you are still your own man but learning and modeling yourself after the impressions of a wiser man.
Rituals And Goals
One of the major problems in society today is that men don’t really have mentors or rituals anymore. Back in the day, there used to be a set of trials that a boy would have to go through under the eyes of the elders before he was considered a man. Now what do we have as a ritual? High school graduation? Getting your drivers license? Who knows. We as men in this day and age are in a rather unique situation. We are free to determine when we see ourselves as men. Though however most boys never really do grow up and just turn into door mats due to a lack of structure. This is why the military is such a popular option. There is a trial and in the end you are awarded with the ceremony and become a soldier. But you don’t even have to do that.What I have seen is that most men have some major purpose that is bigger than themselves to work towards. Goals that will help them reach there and I think when someone starts that journey to achieve those goals and makes those goals his #1 priority, that is when he becomes a man. These can’t be crap half assed goals like lose 10 pounds in 10 years or something. They have to be something that would take years of discipline and persistence to master. You must really want that goal and make steps to go after it.
It’s Okay To Disagree
Don’t agree with your bosses plan to make Kim Kardashian fidget spinners? Hate your friend’s new girlfriend? It is fine to disagree so long as you aren’t a jerk about it. Pretending to agree and like peoples ideas even when you hate it is a very fake thing to do. People can sense it too. Have you ever met the guy who obviously is trying to agree with everything you say just to please you? You sensed it and you didn’t like it right? Well its the same with others. Instead have a backbone and disagree with things you don’t stand for. People might not like it but they will respect you for it and also trust you more.
There Is Work To Be Done
There is a lot of other stuff I can just go on discussing about but truth is you will just get overwhelmed. I will be writing a part 2 of this and maybe even a part 3 because there are a lot of subtle dynamics that go into play and it takes quite a bit of effort to even notice them. However, if you are serious and want to take your life back in your own hands, No More Mr Nice Guy is a must. (<- It’s free as an audiobook with the audible free trial) This book is basically the blue print of how to cure yourself of the nice guy syndrome and Dr.Glover has done an amazing job of laying out step by step how to break free. I would recommend you get this book and read it at least twice before doing the challenges and activities that the book has.
In the end, I wish you all the best in your journey to end the nice guy syndrome. Understand that it won’t be easy and you will probably always have a piece of the nice guy inside you. I know you are not a bad person and probably did not have ill intentions but that does not mean you were not being fake. Just realize that in the end, you have to be true to yourself. Trying to please people will only get you so far in life. They can come and go. It is you, you have to face in the mirror for the rest of your life. This is a very bitter lesson I had to learn. I hope you learn from my mistake and take action before it is too late.